It’s been a year since I gave up gluten. In that year, I’ve lost 30 pounds, my depression is almost non-existent and my stomach doesn’t always look like I’m about to birth a twelve pound baby. Yet, I miss it. Who wouldn’t? But gluten is like my most toxic ex who also happens to be everywhere I go in the world. So here is a letter I wrote to gluten.
An Open Letter to Gluten:
Where for art thou, Gluten. Why must you be in everything and everywhere? Why must you taste so good?! You’re the Regina George of the food world and everyone is so obsessed with you.
The first meal I made was Hamburger Helper and you were there, making my underdeveloped taste buds sing. When I was forced to go to church every Sunday as a child, your melodic donut shaped song kept me going through communion. You never left me, you never faltered. Soft breads, al dente pasta, cheesecake and rolls…you were there, providing comfort and love the only way you knew how.
If only I had known what a toxic relationship we had.
Soft cinnamon rolls that made my tongue weep. Hot pizza in Italy that brought me into the moment like no other. Spaeztle in Germany, mixed with goulash, changing my life forever. Crepes in France, garlic noodles in Amsterdam, Chinese food on a Tuesday night in my pajamas.
You are the most toxic ex-lover I’ve ever had.
Why are you in sauces, gravies and soups? Why are you in fried chicken, pancakes and french toast? How have you infected my fast food addiction and my love of Waffle House? How could you deny me of my deep unabiding passion for Italian food in general?
Why can’t I block you on Facebook like all of my other exes?
I miss you. I hate you. I crave you. I hope you die. But most of all, I dream of you. I dream of buffets, room service and stressless traveling. I dream of Texas Roadhouse rolls and cheesecake and chicken fried steak. I fantasize about gooey cheese sticks and luscious boneless wings. I wish to guzzle beer again. Oh, I would destroy my liver further for you, just for an IPA.
You destroyed my body. You destroyed my mind. Yet, I will never get over you. How could I? You were the greatest friend and my greatest enemy. Thank you for giving me the experiences I received. But now?
Now you can go fuck yourself.
*insert two middle fingers here*