Man. July is here and thank gods for that. I dunno about you, but June kicked my mother lovin’ tuchus. In the last month, I had to end two friendships and a relationship, while also moving out of what I called home for two years. Shit got real hard real fast. I had to cancel the client party I had been planning for two years, which was super devastating.
So basically, the more distance between me and June, the better.
You know what though? I’m okay. I mean, I’m always okay, right? I’ve restarted in my life more times than I care to count. I’ve ended relationships and friendships as soon as I can tell they’re currently or heading in the direction of being toxic. Old men, 2017 and younger, wouldn’t have been able to do that. I clung to all forms of relationships like life rafts, certain that if I ended the experience, I would be worth nothing.
Now, I know my worth. I know what I want in this life. I know the kind of people I want in my life. Weekly therapy has helped me work through so much and sometimes, I even challenge my therapist with theories. One of my working theories is that the people you have in your life pre-trauma work are less likely to be in your life after you do a shit ton of self work. Think about it: what kinds of friends and partners did you/do you pick and why? I often chose friends that were as manic/depressed/negative as I can be. I chose partners that helped me act out my trauma and negative beliefs about myself.
No more. No thank you.
That is the terrible and beautiful thing about polyamory; the exposure to a wide variety of experiences can catapult you forward. Sometimes, it’s a fiery awakening. Sometimes, it’s a whole life burning down. I’ve experienced both in polyamory and boy, I’m tired. haha!
I’m so grateful to have a business I can fall back on. I love my business, I love my clients. I get to see people that know what they want in life, who they want in their life. It’s such a blessing to be a part of a small chunk of someone’s life. Much gratitude for it all.